There And Back Again: The End of the Self-Employed Chapter
It dawned on me when I was making my yearly intentions. I was tired of trying and striving. I was tired of the mental effort of running and building my own business. I was tired of worrying about money and the future. I longed for ease and fun and living life. I needed to not let my business be my everything.
On January 5th, I wrote in my journal:
I’m sitting here writing my 2023 intentions blog post, and I write about how I don’t want my business to consume all my mental energy. And I have to ask myself, do I even want this anymore?
It took me a while longer to admit, but the truth was…no. Things had changed. I had changed. I no longer wanted to be self-employed.
Why I quit my job
Almost exactly two years have passed since I took the leap in 2021 to run my own creative business. I did so because
I was miserable at my government job, and with a degree in political science, I couldn’t see a happy career path for me anywhere.
I felt trapped in 9-5 life and longed for freedom.
I loved my creative work and deeply wanted to try running my own business.
I wanted a working life built on creativity, writing and communication.
I’ve had two wonderful, hard, transformative, creative years of being self-employed. It has been absolutely amazing, and also very hard at times. I want to say one thing very clearly.
Not for a second do I regret these past two years.
I don’t see this change I’m making now as a failure or as having made the wrong choice two years ago. Not at all. I see this as one wonderful chapter ending, and the next thrilling one starting.
My experience of running my own online business based around content creation has not only been deeply joyful and meaningful. It has also given me the skills for an entirely new career. In September, I started working part-time as a content writer. I have loved this job far more than I ever imagined I would. After 6 months in that role, I’m sure this new career suits me very well.
This is key, because if the alternative had been to go back to my past working life, I would have made a different decision. Then the downsides of self-employed life would have been worth it. Now it’s not, because I have a job I love. I’m increasing my hours as a content writer to 4 days a week, leaving one day for running my creative business on the side. And I’ll still fulfil point 4 in my list above - I’ll have a creative working life.
Why I’m choosing life as an employed creative with a side-business
I’m not gonna lie. This hasn’t been an easy decision. When I first opened myself up to the possibility of leaving self employed life, I cried. I mourned the dream that I had been working towards for so long, that I had loved and longed for, the accomplishments I’m so proud of. In that moment, it felt like a failure.
But when those emotions subsided, I could look at the situation more objectively. As I’ve been sitting with this decision, I’ve noticed that there is very little out there on the internet about the backside of running your own online business. Yes, we acknowledge that it’s hard and not for everyone, but it’s always followed up with a but for me it’s so worth it. Every story of hardship ends with a win.
There are very few stories told by creatives who shut down their businesses, of people who tried self-employment and didn’t like it. And believe me, it’s not because they don’t exist. I have talked to them, I talk to them quite often actually. I think it’s because we’ve been in a period where self-employment has been idealised and the people telling the stories have predominantly been business coaches and business owners who make money off of inspiring others through their lifestyle. Me included! And this bothers me, because it gives just one side of the story. It makes everyone having a different experience feel like they’re wrong, and feel ashamed to tell their story.
So I want to share some of the many reasons why I’m making this choice, and why self-employment isn’t my best path anymore.
1. I want financial stability
Okay so this is the big and obvious one. During these years, I’ve learned how you need to think differently about money when you’re running your own business. Income goes from predictable to unpredictable. You can do things to make it more predictable, but there will always be an element of unknown about future income. And the thing is, it never ends. Even if it gets better, it’s always there.
I thought I would get used to this, but I haven’t. Sure, if I’d been so successful that it would have been a question of whether I’d make lots or more than lots, it probably wouldn’t have bothered me so much. But that hasn’t been the case, and despite mindset work and getting used to (even enjoying) marketing and selling, this aspect has always been a dark cloud for me. And if you drill it down to its core, making your own money is what being self-employed is really about.
When I figured out I wouldn’t get used to it, I thought I’d solved it when I started my part-time job. I knew I would always have a baseline income, and it was an instant weight off my shoulders. But once the baseline was safe, I started thinking about long term finances, like savings, travel, pension. All the things that are decided not by the baseline, but by the income that takes it from liveable to good. So then I worried about that instead.
This is probably a personality and life experience type of thing. I grew up in a household where money was always scarce and money worry was a constant. I’ve seen the effects of living on the margins both short term and long term, and I don’t want that life. Growing up like this could either make it so normal that you don’t mind it. Or you could turn out like me: with a deep longing for safety and peace of mind in this department. I’m realising I need to honour that.
2. I enjoy working in a team
This is one of the things I realised when I started working part-time. I remembered just how much I like being part of a team. I love my own projects, but I also get so much energy from working together with others. Especially in the team I’m in now, where I have a lot of autonomy but also support when I need it.
It’s the little things. Talking about strategies and goals with others. Asking which title a colleague likes best, getting a thumbs up on a draft of a text. Deciding together the best course of action. Being part of a team makes me less of a creative perfectionist.
And in a team, my work clicks into the work of my colleagues. I’m not solely responsible for making it all work. Which leads me onto my next point.
3. I get to focus on what I’m best at
Writing has always been my biggest love, and the thing I consider myself best at. Adjusting my writing for specific purposes, tweaking words and tone, writing for target groups, thinking up content strategies… this is all things I’ve done for fun.
In my job, I write blog, email and social media content, website copy, press releases and reports. I’m also working on the communication strategies for these things.
I can devote so much more effort and energy towards this than I can in my own business, because I have amazing colleagues making all the other wheels spin. I don’t have to think about developing a good product with a market fit. I don’t have to worry about sales. I don’t have to deliver the product.
Here’s an interesting thing. I feel much better at what I do in my job. That’s not because I actually am better, I’m the same person with the same skills as in my own business. But I get to focus and do the work properly, and I get support along the way. That feels really, really good.
I love wearing all the hats in my business. I have learned SO MUCH from it and it has given me a fantastic big picture view of running a business. But the sheer amount of hats makes it impossible to wear all of them well. With a job, I get to wear my favourite hat and get really good at it.
4. I can switch off and live
A big appeal of self-employed life is the freedom, and so it was for me. But actually, when I’m now transitioning back to being mainly employed, it’s a different kind of freedom I long for.
The freedom you get when you’re self-employed is mainly the freedom to set your own schedule. Being able to start my work day at 10.30am after a walk in the forest has undoubtedly been a big perk. But apart from that, I’ve mainly worked regular work weeks in my own business too. I’ve not randomly taken a day off just because I felt like it. Could I have? Probably. But I haven’t felt able to, because of all the responsibility falling on me, and because of all the financial uncertainty.
Even during time off, like weekends and holiday breaks, I could never really switch off. I didn’t always think about the business, but it was there in the back of my mind. Always consuming mental energy.
When I chose my word of the year, Frolic, I did it because I realised I need more of switching off and living life. And I’m able to do that much better as an employed creative.
5. I crave creative freedom
What? Surely running your own creative business must be the height of creative freedom. Well, no. When you’re dependent on the money from your creative projects, you always have to take the business angle into consideration. As I’ve become a better business owner, I’ve stepped further and further away from my own inspiration-driven creative self-expression.
I miss being irresponsible and following whims in my creativity. Having a job where I get to write and be creative during the days, what I want from my own business is creative freedom. I don’t want every decision to have to be a Good Business Decision.
I want to be a messy creative who has random ideas and run with them. I want to start projects and leave them half-finished. I want to do things I know will take time and won’t make me a lot of money. I want to put joy and passion back in the centre. I miss it.
The next chapter
This change feels huge to me, because it’s me officially closing the book on the self-employment dream. When I first started considering the change, I thought I might have to shut down the business. But after thinking about it some more, I realised that I could still run it as a side-business.
So from the outside, it’s actually not that big of a change.
I’ll still have one weekday for my creative business (hello Wednesdays!) I’ll keep running Companions In Creativity, my podcast Inside Creativity, and soon, I’m merging my email letters and blog into a Substack. I’ll have to be a little scrappier around posting on Instagram and things like that, and I’ll definitely have less time for big development projects. I plan on taking longer content breaks during winter and summer to make space for these things. I might also (hold onto your hat now) miss a week here and there in my content plan.
This next chapter might not look so different, but it feels very different. And that’s the reason I’m doing it.
I’ll have less time, yes, but I’ll have more creative freedom with the time that I have. I have a feeling that this will be a bit of a personal creative renaissance of sorts. Starting a Substack feels like going back to my creative roots of blogging, and I’m so incredibly excited to create that space with joy, inspiration and self-expression at the forefront.
Am I nervous? YES. I’m nervous. I’m nervous of once again feeling trapped in the 9-5. I’m nervous of getting frustrated by not having enough time for my own creativity. I fear regret. But that doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision. The thrill and excitement of the next chapter is stronger. So much is different.
There and back again, but also, not really. Like Bilbo returning to The Shire, I’m returning to employed life a different person. With all these new experiences, skills and a journey I’ll never forget, I’m ready for the next chapter to begin.
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