During the fall of 2015, an idea slowly started to form in my mind. When summer ended I came to the conclusion that I longed for creating. It wasn't something I'd been aware of, but when it hit me it made so much sense. How I like working with projects, and actually loved writing my thesis at university. Why I keep coming back to writing. I want to create.
To be honest, I already know this. Of course I do. I've been doing creative things my whole life, in one way or another. I started dreaming of being an author when I learned to write. And still, here I am, at 26, with a draft of a novel that I haven't even showed my boyfriend of over 5 years, my best friend or my mum.
I've had as a new year's resolution for years to finish my first novel.
And yet, it's still a draft. Why?
I knew this too, of course. I know I'm scared. I know that I'm afraid of what others are going to think, and of my writing not being good enough. So I knew that if I want a creative life, I need to do something about that fear.
Struggling with anxiety for a few years, I knew something else too.
Fear is mostly a product of our mind and the way to get over it is to do what we are afraid of. And discover that we didn't die.
But how do you force yourself to keeping facing your fears, when it's much more comfortable to walk the other way?
This is when the idea started to take shape. If I would tell the whole wide world (ergo my Facebook friends) that I was going to do it, I wouldn't have a choice. It would be embarrassing to back out of it. And here's the beauty of it: admitting that I want to be creative and start sharing what I create is one of my biggest fears.
The idea rested in my mind for a while, but I couldn't shake it off. Somewhere I knew that I need this. In fact, I think I'm ready for it. Finally.
This year, I'm going to the root of why my resolutions never work.
This year, I'm choosing fear.
I don't care that it isn't measurable, that I can't tick it off a list. Measuring the writing of my novel, dividing it up in chunks and making plans and schedules never worked. My problem was never with structure. It was with what kept me from following it.
Just like I knew all along, but never really believe in that trembling should I really moment, staring at the face of fear, launching this project, this idea, even this blog post, isn't as scary as I thought. I actually feel happy, and a little proud.
All of my long preparations are done. The new year is here. And I'm so ready for it.