Good Conversations, Life Lived And The Messy Process
I first noticed it in summer. I was reading Conversations With Friends by Sally Rooney, and it was resonating deeply. Then it was Cait Flanders' podcast Opting Out, where she talks with the listener as if with a friend. Finally, I was feeling overall quite uninspired on Instagram, with one exception: @conversationswithcharis, who was sharing her life on a narrowboat.
These things that were inspiring me, they had something in common. They talked about life lived, about the complexities, the ambiguity. Things that don’t fit in your average box. Neither offered any clear answers, practical tips or how-to guides. No, they shared the experience, the process of life and creativity. They were based on conversations. And I found them wildly inspiring.
Simple answers
Here’s the thing. The internet is filled with simple answers and step by step solutions. A good thing if your sink is clogged and you need a quick fix. But not so good when you turn to the internet to try to make sense of life and creativity.
Over the years, I’ve created methods, guides and written how-to articles. I’ve thought up step by step processes to arrive to certain solutions. I’ve tried to turn a messy process into a simple guide anyone can follow. And if I’m being 100% honest? I think it takes a bit of the life out of it.
And the life that is taken out of it is not just mine, but the reader’s as well. When we provide simple answers, we have to simplify things that are complex and messy into something that seems straightforward. To a degree, it can help us make sense of things, but if we go too far, it starts to feel inauthentic. Creativity isn’t simple. It’s a beautiful, complicated mess.
When we simplify things too much, they seem simpler than they are, making people feel like they shouldn’t find things as hard as they do. Which makes them feel like failures.
While my inspiration was pointing towards conversations, I was also thinking about potential new group offerings. Deciding to keep going full-time in my business, I know I want to work with groups alongside my 1-1 coaching. But how? So many of the group formats online are based around teaching. And I’ve landed here again and again: I don’t want to teach. I don’t want to be the one standing at the front holding a lecture. I want to lead a group conversation where we all pitch in.
Thoughtful questions
When I do the work that truly lights me up, that really makes a difference, it’s not by giving answers. It’s by asking good questions. Like in the conversations that were inspiring me during summer, good questions give honest, nuanced answers that make space for the complex realities of our lives. That’s where we get our good insights.
This is why I love working 1-1 with coaching clients. We get to go deep and wide and let things be messy. We make space for life, for things to change, and ideas to be confusing. Through that, we find the unique paths and patterns, and build confidence. In coaching, it’s all conversations. That’s where the magic happens.
A conversation can hold space for things that aren’t straightforward. In a narrow, structured formula, things that go outside of the box doesn’t fit. When our own experiences go outside of the box, we feel like we don’t fit. A conversation makes space for life, for our uniqueness, for ambiguity. This is where we meet. Here’s where we can recognise ourselves in others. Here’s where we feel seen, realise we’re not alone in our challenges, and explore how we can think about things differently.
I love to talk honestly about my own creative journey and the challenges I go through. The blog posts where I write about things I’m making sense of, that are about my experience, those are the ones that resonate with people the most. Why? Because they’re not about a simplified version of a creative life, but what it feels like on the inside. We can see ourselves there.
What is it we’re actually helped by, when we seek guidance and support? Are we helped by the quick tips and step by step instructions? Sure, to some degree. But I believe we’re most helped by seeing our own thoughts, challenges and desires reflected in those of others. I believe we’re helped by companionship, to not feel alone, to talk things through with those who get it, to feel supported and encouraged. At least that’s what I’m seeing in my coaching clients.
What it means
In the beginning, I didn’t know what it meant. This pull towards conversations. But I think I do now: it means I’m not supposed to force my work into neat, simplified step by step instructions. Not force life into a polished lifestyle. My interests and strengths lie in the process, in the human experience, and in conversations. That’s where I feel at home, and that’s where I do my best work.
Right now, I’m working on creating a group space with conversations and the creative process at its core. A space less for quick fixes, and more for building full, multilayered creative lives. For showing up, doing the work we love, and talking about the experiences of a creative life. See that we’re not alone in our challenges, make sense of things and find our next steps. We will follow a seasonal rhythm together, set goals and make plans, but also share the process. A space where we can walk the messy path that is a life of creativity, together.
It feels like the thing I’ve been working towards for years without knowing it, with so many strands of what I love coming together. It’s not a space for simple answers. It’s one for creativity, life and good conversations.
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