Dear Confidence. Where the hell are you?

Dear Confidence,

You're a fucking flake.

I need you here and you just bailed on me! WTF?! 
I mean, are you kidding me? Now?! This is typical you. I'm so mad right now.

Everything was going well, you were big and bold, we were getting so much done, we were almost finished and then POOF. Where the hell did you go?

I don't understand, nothing's changed. What scared you? What made you leave?

I'm sitting here, alone, waiting for you to come back.
Without you, I seriously don't know what to do.

Are you ever coming back?

I've been waiting for weeks now. Our wonderful creation is starting to gather dust. I'm growing tired of just sitting here.

I guess I could go after you. See what you're up to, what you want to do. Maybe I can lure you back eventually if we do something else for a while.

But this is our thing! I don't want to give up now, when we've come so far. I mean, we're almost done!

Is that why left? Did you get cold feet? Was it Fear that got to you, or Doubt? Did they tell you their nasty stories about what could happen when we release this into the world?

I know, I heard them too. But really, that's only stories. You didn't have to listen to them. But I guess you did.

I'm growing tired of you always doing this.

One day you're all excited and the next you just leave. It's often at a critical moment too, when we're doing important work, when we're starting or finishing.

Are you really so easily spooked? I thought you'd gotten better these past years. You got stronger, less flaky, you stayed with me more often. I almost thought we could go steady there for a while. That I could trust you. But then you bolted again.

It hurts, you know. Not only me but the things we try to make. Without you, it's so much harder. Fear and Doubt grows cocky, our creations turn shy and modest. I suddenly find myself making excuses. It's not fun at all.

I need you to back me up.

Okay, you're scaring me now.

Seriously, you've been gone a long time now! I'm not used to this anymore. You're not going back to who you used to be, are you? I don't think I could take that.

We never talked much about it, but back then, in high school and the years after, I really really missed you. Going around too long without you hurt me so bad and I know it could hurt me again. Fear and Doubt were so damn strong back then. You should have seen them, they were on steroids. Or, I guess you did see them, from a distance. I guess that's why you stayed away.

Back then, I couldn't make anything. I was a scrap of existence, tiptoeing around, apologizing for being in the way. I didn't have you, Confidence. And it was bad, really really bad. My life changed so much when you started to visit, finally. I couldn't take losing you again.

Please, please come back.

I'm pleading now, I'm on my knees! It's embarrassing and I don't care, as long as you come back. Please please please.

Please?

I promise, we can take it slow. No pressure.
You can be in charge, we'll do it on your terms. As long as you come back.

Hello?

Confidence?

 

...

 

Sigh.

Maybe I'll have to accept that you're gone then. Obviously I can't make you come back.

So what now?

I refuse to go back to the way I was. I refuse to stop creating. I won't. I've come too far to give up now. You're a bitch for leaving me now and it screws everything up, but by damn, I won't let you ruin everything.

I guess I'll have to do this one without you, Confidence.

Fuck you. I can live without you. I can create without you.
Maybe it won't be as good, but at least it'll be something.

I'm creating now.

It's freaking hard, and I'm trying to keep the memory of you close. How it felt when you held me. How good we were together, how bold you were. Fear and Doubt are going crazy, but I'm acting like I can't hear them. That's the only way.

It'll soon be done now. You should see it, I think it's quite good. I can't really tell, without you, but I think so. I'm going to take a leap anyhow, release this thing out into the world. Either it'll fly or it'll fall. I guess we'll have to see.

You really should be here, but it's up to you.

Interestingly, however hard this has been, however mad I am at you, however much our creation has suffered from you leaving, I'm actually a bit glad you did.

I'm glad because you gave me the opportunity to see that I actually can make it without you, Confidence. I'm not dependent on you. I won't go back to being a shadow, I can stand on my own.

Look, our creation is out there now. And people seem to like it. I wish I could share this moment with you, but...

Oh, hi! There you are.

Welcome back, Confidence. Didn't see you there.
You sure look cocky all of a sudden.

I've missed you, I really have. But now, let's get to work.

With love,
Your scared little writer.