I hear you.
I hear you in the morning when I wake up.
When I stare at my tired face in the bathroom mirror, brushing my teeth.
When I stand in the rain waiting for the late morning train.
With every step I take in the wrong direction.
With every step on a path that isn't yours.
I hear you, screaming, begging.
I hear you before I fall asleep at night.
Tomorrow won't be my day either.
Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad.
Where did you come from?
I always wonder.
Were you there right from the start, buried deep inside of me, growing as I grew? Or did you come from somewhere else?
Or did I create you, somehow?
I hear you, but I don't fully understand you.
You're so unreasonable and strong, a force that won't take no for an answer, no matter how many time I said no.
No matter how many times the world said no.
You just keep trying to work your way into my life. Whispering. Screaming.
I don't understand how you can be so completely sure of my ability, that this is right, that you and I could do this. How you can keep that energy up when everything else is pointing in another direction. Where does your determination come from?
I'm trying, I promise.
I try to believe in you. And myself.
I try to believe that you can one day come true. That you're right and not a deluded freak, who knows nothing of reality.
That you and I fit together, that you shouldn't go bother someone else instead. That we were meant to be.
It takes courage, you know, to keep listening to you when the whole world is telling me not to.
They are rational and practical. Realistic and statistical. I know all their arguments. I believe them, I just... believe in you too.
You don't listen to logic and reason, I know because I tried. I took all the arguments the world had brought me and I threw them at you one by one.
What about money? Writing makes no money. I have to either starve or be one of the best to write full-time. I'm not one of the best. I can't be. I can't.
You just shrugged.
Isn't it better to do something else? I mean, what's the point? I'll never get good anyhow, I don't have it in me.
You answered with a simple
I don't care.
I teamed up with Doubt and Fear and we screamed at you
How can you not care!? How can you believe so fiercely in something so ridiculous, something everyone is advising against, something so scary and big and hard? Do you have no understanding of who I am, of my flaws and my limits?
That's when you smiled, like you knew something we didn't. You leaned in close, Fear and Doubt shuddered when your breath drew us in. You whispered
I choose to believe.
It sounded like religion and maybe that's what this is, maybe you have your own belief of how I and this world works, maybe you've had a vision or something. Maybe you will keep believing no matter what.
And I do believe in you too. Secretly.
I just don't always admit it, because people might think me mad or arrogant.
I want you to know though, that I'm here. I'm listening. I'm working. You know that, you cheer and guide and point.
I believe in you, even when I say something different. I don't always have the strength and courage to fight for you, against their arguments and their own fears. I fight for you against my own Doubt and Fear, okay? That's a hard enough battle.
You just have to give me some time.
I don't like it when you team up with Stress and tell me that I have work faster. It's cruel and it makes me miserable. I understand that unhappiness is one of your weapons but if we are to do this, for real, I need you to be a stable, guiding light, not a thing that just pops up and screams when things are bad.
I need you to be with me, listen to Patience. That's how I want to work to make you happen. You just have to trust me on this one. You can do that, right?
If you do, I promise I will do my very best.
I will fight for you, forever.
When they say you're unrealistic I might agree, but I'll keep believing in you anyhow.
When they laugh or try bring you down, I'll go back to my desk.
I will sit down.
I will call for Creativity and Heart. Invite my Inner Child and Patience. I will not listen to Doubt and Fear, however loud they scream.
Then I will write. I write for all that I'm worth, with every last scrap of emotion, I will dig down deep and I will sing with words.
I will write until you come true.
Your scared little writer.