You can feel it, can't you?
The shift in power.
How does it feel to not be in charge anymore? Not so good, eh?
Well now you know what it was like to be me.
You used to have the first and last say in everything. Everything I wanted to do was run by you. The decision was never mine. You shot down dream after dream, idea after idea.
I opened my mouth and you shut it firmly again. I opened the draft of my first novel and you shut it again. I hoped and you killed hope.
It's like we held the opposite ends of a rope. I tried to pull us forward, you held us back. Back an forth, and you were always the strongest.
But I have found my strength now.
I suspect it was always there, I just trusted you too much. When you held back, I didn't put my full strength to counterbalance you. I believed in your lies. I thought there was a point to your stories, that you were there for a reason. For protection from the big, scary world.
I know better now.
Instead of fighting you alone, I got help. From my Dream, my Heart and my Creativity. I learned what you are. I listened to what going against you has given other people.
A freedom I had never known.
I started to understand what you held me back from. It wasn't from failure and pain, no, it was from my future, my dream, and from myself. You overshadowed so many parts of me. As long as my eyes were on you, those other voices were only whispers.
When I turned and lay my eyes on them instead, that's when I realized I could be stronger than you. The voices rose from a whisper to a song, a song of possibility.
It was then I decided that I had to face you. I had to start pulling harder at my end of the rope. I couldn't let you win.
I have learned a lot from you this year.
Before, I just accepted what you said.
When you screamed
It's dangerous to speak up! Someone will hate you for it, and beat you down! Believe me, I know you.
And that's what I did, believed you.
When you shouted
Stop! You aren't good enough, you will fail! Do this instead, that's more on your level. It's for your own good!
Then I agreed and stayed small. But that's not how I do it anymore.
When you scream
Oh come on, that's a horrible idea! You're not ready yet, you need more practice!
I now ask back
Oh really, what makes you say that?
And then I look deep into your eyes and I see a small, scrawny girl with slumping shoulders. I see mean words coming from behind her and piercing her heart. I see broken hopes and shattered dreams.
I hug that girl. Wrap my bigger arms around her thin ones. I tell her it will all be okay. That we can handle the world, whatever it brings us. Because we have something we didn't the last time. I have found a love for myself, and that turns the tables on the whole world. Their words doesn't matter much. If we meet hate, then we will show it love.
Then you shrink, Fear. Your eyes grow bigger and your black body smaller. You look like a ball of soot with anxious eyes. You sit there on the end of the rope and hold on for dear life as we skip along forward. You're scared, I know that, and I pet you on the head now and then.
I'm sorry if my bravery is disturbing you, but I don't really care.
What you fight for is so unnecessary and pointless. It's not a life I want to live. I don't want you to stop me from following my dream. It won't make me happy at all.
So why would I do it?
Because it's easy? I don't care for easy anymore.
I know what it looks like to pull harder than you, and I'm not going back. You can come along on your end of the rope, if you want. I may even take your point into consideration sometimes. Do some small changes to make you more comfortable. But I will never loosen the grip of my end anymore. I will never let you take over and turn my focus back to you.
Sometimes you grow strong again and give a sudden pull, so I lose my balance and fall. It happens and it will probably keep happening. But I know how to get up now.
I know my Heart, my Inner Child, my Confidence, my Creativity and my Dream, they are all there, lending a hand and pulling my up. I know they're not going to leave, just like you aren't.
I will keep my eyes forward, do the scary things I want to do, and you can't change that decision. Sorry.
Your scared little writer.