Dear Patience. Please forgive me.

Dear Patience,

Please forgive me.

I didn’t think they would break you.
I thought you could defend yourself.
You were always there, I didn’t know you could be broken.

You look so small. Your cheeks pale, your skin so thin. You were always so beautiful, a white little blob with light blue eyes like the sky. You always walked with such intentional steps, slowly, surely. You always seemed so ancient and at the same time so young, like you’re outside of time. Time doesn’t seem to matter to you, you’re beyond it. Like you’ll always be here.

It breaks my heart to see you like this, still, cold, almost gone. To know I caused this.

You never asked for help. You never voiced any of your needs, you just waited.
When you lay there on the ground, pale, thin blood running from your nose, with your blue eyes almost turned grey. I passed you many times, too busy to even see you. You just lay there, waiting for me to find you.

I’m so sorry.

I didn’t hear you whisper.
It wasn’t until I fell down just beside you, a millimeter from crushing you, that I saw you. Heard you.

I’m dying. You’re dying.

Your tiny whisper made me cold inside. I understood, how close we were to the darkness. I took you in my hands and carried you here. I could see the lines in my hands through your body. The lifeline, crooked and red. I was so scared. I thought I might lose you.

Patience, I swear. I didn’t know they would hurt you. I got distracted, I thought I could leave you for just a bit. I always intended to go back to you.

It’s just… they’re so strong. You know who I mean… Doubt, Stress, Ambition… They were always the strong ones. I know they’re bullies but it’s so easy to get swept up by their tactics and games. They make life seem so black and white. Just one more, just a little bit more. But it’s never enough for them.

Sometimes, I’m just not strong enough.

Why didn’t you speak up? 
I needed you, Patience. I so needed you.

I counted on you. That you’d be there. Help me from falling into the arms of Doubt, from letting Stress take over my life. You didn’t fight for me. Why weren’t you stronger?

Why weren’t I stronger?

I’m sorry.
It’s not your fault.
I did this.

Why did I look away? Why did I let it happen?

I wonder, would things have been different if we had spent more time together?
I’m thinking about all those years. You were always there in the background.

We were friends, but I always chose someone else over you.

Oh Patience, how I’ve treated you. Why don’t you hate me? You have all the right to.

I see us, sitting there, making choices. You, the pale and small little creature, patiently waiting for your turn. I could see your lips moving, but I didn’t try to hear you. I never gave you the chance to make your voice strong. You always got overrun by someone else, and I let them. I chose them over you.

Still, you gave me love. When I was a wreck, you laid your cheek to mine. When Stress was jumping on my heart, you were there, trying.

You whispered

It’s going to be okay. Don’t rush.

I let Stress push you off my shoulder.
I didn’t care when you smashed to the ground. I pretended I couldn’t hear you cry.

When Doubt screamed and pulled me from my dreams, you whispered

Don’t give up yet. You’re only at the beginning of your journey.

But I let Doubt kick you, you flew across the room and smacked into the wall. You fell to the ground with a whimper, the tiniest, heartbreaking sound, and I turned away.

How did I ever deserve you?

I don’t understand why you stuck with me.
But I guess, that’s who you are. You’re Patience. When everyone else gives up, you stay.

Will you stay if everyone else give up on me? Will you be there if I give up?

No, I don’t want to think like that anymore. That’s what got us here, you so pale and small, you white little body almost invisible. I’ve almost killed you.

I’m so sorry. So so sorry.
You know I love you, don’t you?

I just don’t show it.

Without you, where would I be today? I wouldn’t have a degree, I wouldn’t have met Happiness or Creativity. I would be a mess. Maybe I wouldn’t even be.

I took you for granted.
I used you but never nurtured you.

I know what I need to do. You told me.
You whispered,

You need me to survive.
I need you to survive.
I’ll only get stronger if you start to listen.
You’ll only hear me if I get stronger.

Patience, I understand now. We’re in this together. I need to choose you. You’ll never be like Stress or Doubt, you’ll never be the one who screams and jumps up and down. I need to listen to your whispers.

You can’t speak louder, so I need to listen better.

Without you, I’ll let all of the others pull me in a thousand different directions until I break.

I need you.

Let me heal you. I’m trying.

Let me put my ear to your tiny, pale lips and listen closely.
Let me hold you close to my heart, so you can whisper right into it.
Let us be allies in a world that’s spinning faster and faster.

Patience, this is me choosing you over them.

I’m going to hold you in my cupped hands and I will walk slowly through the chaos.

I want you to be the little blob of light, leading me forward. Through the wild and unknown, when Doubt and Stress are tugging at my arm. I will hold you. If I lose sight of you, I will search for you, I will let your light calm me. Your whispers guide me.

Please forgive me.
Please don’t leave me. Without you, I’ll drown.
Please don’t leave me.

With love,
Your scared little writer